I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
