Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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