The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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