OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
