I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
