Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There's always time for handjobs
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
