I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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