Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize