mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
