I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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