Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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