i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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