Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
