I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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