Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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