I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
