I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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