so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
