Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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