Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
