2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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