I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
