I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
