One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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