Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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