u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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