Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
