I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize