I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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