my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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