4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm too high and old for this...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
