Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
