U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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