I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
