my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
