so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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