I didn't shave. On purpose
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
