My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We were destined to go to rehab together
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
