I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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