I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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