Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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