New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
