im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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