my phone needs a breathalizer
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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