birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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