I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
