I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
