Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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