and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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