he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
