On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
