No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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