I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
