My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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