I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
