I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
