Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
