He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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