I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
