she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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