Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
