genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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